First of all I should state my prejudices and say that I am a non-smoker and while I believe people have the right to choose to smoke if they want to in their own homes, I am looking forward to the ban on smoking in enclosed public spaces.

The imminent smoking ban has thrown up a lot of arguments about whether we live in a nanny state with a few people claiming that the smoking ban is a violation of human rights.

Wake up people! Human rights violations occur when people are tortured, denied a decent standard of living or a right to a fair trial – not when people are asked for public health reasons not to smoke in a restaurant or work place.

This bleating out of “it’s a violation of my human rights” has led to ludicrous situations where prisoners demand heroin and police refuse to release mugshots of escaped convicted killers in case it breaches their human rights.

There is no argument for a smoker claiming that the smoking ban violates their human rights – it just shows an arrogant attitude and complete disregard for other people. If smoking had been made illegal, smokers might have a leg to stand on, but as the ban is only in public enclosed spaces, clearly they still have a right to smoke in their own homes – just not where their habit affects everyone else.

After years of smokers suggesting that non-smokers go somewhere else if they don’t like smoke, I’d suggest that any smokers who think the ban will ‘violate’ their human rights also go somewhere else – outside.

I wonder if I am alone in growing weary of the constant endless news coverage of the toddler missing in Portugal. Whilst it is undoubtedly a horrific event and I wish for the safe return of the girl as soon as possible, I find the blanket media coverage bizarre and bordering on hysterical.

The Portuguese police are limited by their country’s laws in the extent of information that they can make public during an investigation and this “secrecy” has lead to British tabloids directing all their fury at the foreign force.

Conspicuous by its absence in the news coverage is any criticism of the child’s parents. I agree that it is not helpful to blame them for leaving their young children alone, but it seems incredible that hardly anyone in the mainstream press has made any criticism of the fact that they did leave very young children alone. Granted, someone broke in to the apartment, but what if there had been a fire, accident or some other problem with the kids? It’s a lot easier to have your handbag stolen if you leave it unattended than if you have it on your arm.

There have been questions raised about whether they would have had more criticism had the child not been beautiful and had the parents not been older, white, middle-class, church-going, wealthy doctors. I can just imagine the kind of headlines that would have sprung up had the papers decided to make a stink.

More outstanding is the fact that main and rolling news stations have been dominated by coverage of people leaving teddies, wearing yellow armbands etc. It must be a great comfort to the parents who are courting publicity in the hope it brings back their daughter, but news of a fund being set up so they can stay out in the Algarve, celebrity appeals and a £2.5 million reward are being gleefully reported by a whole army of reporters out in Portugal, who really have nothing new to say.

Apart from the police and intelligence services, there is not much anyone else can do. Maybe it is a mixture of this feeling helpless to do anything, or parents in the UK feeling guilt over times they have left their children alone, but the public response seems to be on par with a reaction to a national tragedy affecting many people – rather than a tragic story involving one family.

After years of being a telly addict, over the last few months my screen-watching time has decreased to an hour or two a week.

I’d like to pretend that I only get my square-eyed glasses out for intellectual programming, but on the whole I tend to favour reality rubbish that allows me to shout at the TV and roll my eyes a lot.

Imagine my glee when I found out that The Apprentice was back on (and on BBC 1 proper) this week.

Alan Sugar looks like how I imagine a koala bear would if you took away its eucalyptus, but underneath his grumpy façade it is obvious that he is softer than the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Old Shugs points his stubby finger and growls “This is the job interview from hell”. This is true if you agree with Sartre that hell is other people. And I do.

Already after one episode, there are 16 (well 15 now) people who truly believe that they are God’s gift to commerce; whining and screeching their way to the top.

They were the wheat picked from 10,000 “hopefuls”. Ye gods, imagine what the CHAFF were like.

The production crew must have a checklist:

1) Do you have a vague-sounding job title? Good examples are anything involving the word executive, communication or development. Oh, you’re a Retail Communication and Development Executive? I thought they called them Sales Assistants at Argos. One candidate’s “career” this series is “bankrupt entrepreneur”. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that a twisted way of saying, “broke failure”?

2) Do you have so much self-belief that everyone else just thinks you’re an arrogant fool? Step forward the guy who uttered the genius line “When you can break bricks with your bare hands, you believe you can do anything.”

3) Do you lack the ability to listen or make any sort of decision?
Watching the candidates shout at each other “ You’re not listening!” was comedy gold and the quantum physicist who hadn’t realised that milk increases in volume when it froths, defies belief (didn’t she look like Eddie Izzard as well?).

All these candidates apparently come from well-paid jobs that they’ve left to be on The Apprentice, but you’ve got to wonder if this mis-guided bunch of megalomaniacs really want to work with Shugs, or if they just want to be on telly.

On the up side you do pick up some useful hints about how to conduct yourself in the business environment – don’t volunteer to be project manager, blame your team and most importantly – as this week’s evictee Andy pointed out – “work until you bleed!!”

Scientists in South Korea have drawn up a document called the Robotic Ethics Charter to deal with potential problems between humans and robots.

So far, so sci-fi, but last year the government predicted that within 50 -years robots will need legal rights. This sounds like utter rubbish to me, but then I haven’t got a fully developed hyper-intelligent android living in my basement. It’s creepy to think that within my lifetime we could be living in a society of robots and humans. L

With all the hoo-hah over providing houses and services for EU immigrants, imagine the chaos when we have to provide for an artificially created race.

As an ordinary citizen (i.e. not a scientist) trying to second-guess how technology will develop is nearly impossible – how can you predict the influence of something that you don’t even know exists yet?

I can’t believe that by the ripe old age of 25, I’m already harping on about how we had no internet or mobile phones when I was a teenager. There were no chatrooms, social networking sites or music downloads – just good old fashioned hanging around and loitering.

Maybe by 2057 there will be a technological revolution on par with the internet, which will change how we live by such a degree that disgruntled robots will be the least of our worries.

Finally we have some sort of winter thrust upon us in the form of snow. Seeing my car and garden buried under about five inches of snow brought out the childlike glee of Snowmen! Day off! Fun! It only took a couple of seconds for this to turn into Roads! Work! Sheer logistics of getting there!

After digging my car out and scraping several layers of snow off I was ready to get going. There was been a spate of state-the-painfully-obvious warnings on the news and via email about driving safely; so I had my blanket, emergency food and torch all ready for the mammoth 10 mile journey to work.

My favourite ‘warning’ is not to make unnecessary journeys. Now I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember the last time I made a purposefully unnecessary journey. Generally I only go places because I need or want to.

Driving into work this morning at about 7.30am in fairly heavy snowfall, trundling along at about 30mph, I got a warm glow inside from the tanker lorry driving right on my bumper all the way up Sally-in-the-woods beeping and flashing before overtaking me seconds before a blind bend. I can only imagine the contents of the tanker were making a necessary journey that could not be hampered by sensible drivers.

Perhaps it was full of milk and small children were waiting for their calcium-drenched beverage in a local school, although most are closed. Or perhaps it was full of cement and enthusiastic builders were waiting on a building site to get started on a house in the freezing snow. More likely it was full of the fluid that normally helps the brain to make rational decisions and decide that overtaking in the snow on a blind bend is a stupid thing to do.

Despite idiot drivers, there is still something magical about seeing the countryside blanketed in white – although I’m not really looking forward to the drive home through grey slush.

Now they want to teach Britishness in schools. How, pray tell, are they going to manage that? The buzzwords are tolerance and respect, but I’ve got a few more suggestions for the curriculum:

The noble art of queuing

A true Brit should know the simple rules of queuing, these are: 1) if you see one, join one 2) if you don’t see one, make one 3) never push in, you will be glared at, tutted at and ostracised. Make sure the kids can recite them on demand.


Procrastinating

Talking about, writing reports on and voting for things instead of actually doing them is a key part of Britishness. For this exercise, children can be split into groups and given a blank piece of paper and a week to write four lines. First they must all agree on what to write and then they must nominate someone to write it, this could take days.


Political correctness/health and safety

Is someone in their class a snotty-nosed little bully with rank BO and a weight problem? No, he’s a mucous-nostriled, height-impaired, behaviourally-challenged, water-repellent, over-loved young person.

Do the younger kids want to have a doll’s Christmas tea party? Tough. First they need a risk assessment, a disclaimer form in case any dolls spill imaginary tea on themselves and a new banner without the word Christmas in it.
The boys must be encouraged to play with the dolls as much as the girls, whether they want to or not. If any of the boys like playing with the dolls more than the girls do, then this should also be encouraged. There must be a doll representing all genders (male, female and transsexual), ages and races.


Talking about the weather

Studying the weather can be done as part of geography lesson and should revolve around three key issues: 1) Why won’t it stop raining? 2) It’s too ******** hot! I can’t wait for winter. 3) It’s too ******** cold! I can’t wait for summer.

As part of this module, students can also take part in a special project entitled “Why all transport goes to pot if it’s too hot/cold/windy/foggy/wet” looking at airports, trains and road conditions.

How to be American

For extra credit, kids can learn how to be more like Americans. Modules begin with It’s not my fault, an in-depth look at American blame culture and how it is becoming part of Britishness.

Sample essay titles include “I ate all the burgers and now I’m fat. Why, McDonalds, why?”
“I smoked all my life and now my lungs are angry, but not as irate as I am at the tobacco companies who have been secretly killing me” and “They started it”; why American foreign policy is right and the world is wrong.