To be a good enough mum, you have to be happy too

Having a baby is a life-changing experience - but sometimes that experience can be far from idyllic. In fact, a new survey has found that the year after childbirth is the loneliest in a woman's life, and a period when she feels cut off from normality and with no time for herself.

The survey, by Mother & Baby magazine and Tesco, found that 53 per cent of new mums feel lonely and isolated' where they live, 87 per cent miss their pre-baby social life and 62 per cent miss colleagues.

This, coupled with the fact that many live far away from their parents and don't know their neighbours, means that overall, the average new mum spends only 90 minutes a day with other people - apart from when their partner returns - and 34 per cent of new mothers usually spend all day alone.

But it doesn't have to be that way, says Belinda Phipps, chief executive of the National Childbirth Trust - although it does help if mums-to-be can do a bit of forward planning.

"The key thing is to start to get to know people in your area before you go on maternity leave," advises Phipps.

There are plenty of ways to do it - ante-natal classes, bumps and babies classes, NCT groups and so on.

Phipps also suggests getting to know your neighbours, chatting to people on the internet, and rekindling the relationship with your parents.

"The first few weeks in particular can be very lonely indeed," she says, "but becoming a parent can be an experience that makes you feel happier than you've ever felt.

"There's an enormous amount of fulfilment, but it's really important to have someone to share that with, and other mums will understand you."

But what's also important, says counselling psychologist Jacqui Marson, is that mums choose like-minded women to befriend.

"It's as isolating a time as you make it," she says, "and many of the mums who feel isolated feel like that because they think they're not good enough mothers. They don't like to be around other mums because they think those mothers are better than them, so they cut themselves off.

"The way out of that is to try to reach out to other mums that are like you, and that you can have a laugh with - find your mum soulmate'."

She advises mums to look for mum soulmates' at the various new mums' classes and events - and watch out for the fibbers' who tell tall stories about their baby's achievements.

And she warns: "The transition into motherhood is so difficult. It takes us out of the comfort zones about who we are, who our friends are, and so on.

"All these things are redesigned after you have a baby."

Marson says new mums should decide on one thing they really enjoy, like going out with friends, or going to the gym, and make sure they still do it regularly.

"A lot of mums just forget about themselves after they've had a baby. But to be a good enough mum, you have to be happy too."

Find National Childbirth Trust events and classes in your area at www.nct.org.uk/local

11:32am Monday 17th March 2008

Print

Email this