Letting your teenager know that you trust them to make the right decisions will boost their confidence and self-esteem.

The teenage years are often the most trying for parents. Your previously chatty, co-operative child may have suddenly turned into an alien. Grunts or replace conversation and they spend hours shut in their bedrooms.

As hard as it is, try not to take it personally. Remind yourself that this is all part of the normal growing-up process. They are learning about who they are and what is important to them, rejecting family values and trying new ones to see how they fit. I know from experience, both as a mother and a parent coach, that living with teenagers can be difficult, especially when they seem so intent on pushing you away - so here are some tips that will help.

1. Accept that your relationship will change

Your child may want to shut the door and spend time alone in their room. Respect their privacy and give them the space that they need. They may be doing some soul-searching about who they are and what is important to them, or agonising over relationships. Let them know you are available if they want to talk.

2. Refrain from giving unsolicited advice.

Letting your teenager know that you trust them to make the right decisions will boost their confidence and self-esteem. Giving un-asked for advice carries the un-stated message that you don't think they are capable of working it out. Experience is a far better teacher than anything a parent can say. So, unless the situation is dangerous, hold back on that advice!

3. Being part of the family

Your teenager may decide that they don't want to join in with activities that you previously enjoyed together as a family. Accept this and see if there is anything else you can do that they will prefer, for example, going to a concert or the theatre, or going out for a pizza and a film. Personally, I found that going to jive lessons was a great way to spend a little time with my daughter. When your teenager spends time with you, let them know that you enjoyed their company. This will help them feel good about themselves. Whatever they say, your opinions still count.

4. Enjoy each other's company

If they don't want to go on family outings, you can take the opportunity to have casual conversations, perhaps while driving them to places or while sitting round the dinner table for a Sunday roast. Building a better relationship with your teenager based on trust and mutual respect will give you more influence when it counts.

5. Engaging your teenager in conversation

To a teenager, harmless questions often feel like interrogation. Questions from parents (I've been told) can also be very annoying. Try talking about things that you know they are interested in. "What happened at school today?" may not do it for them, and are only likely to get a grunt, "fine," or "nothing" in response. Try talking about music you know they like, a book they are reading, or something on the news that may have caught their attention - and ask their opinion. "What do you think about.." may get more of a response.

6 Don't sweat the small stuff

Try not to pick on everything that your teenager does. Constant nagging will undermine your relationship. So, choose only those things that are really important to you, and that you have a realistic chance of changing. You can't make your child keep their room tidy, but you might insist that dirty cups and plates are brought downstairs and washed up or stacked in the dishwasher.

7. Learn to negotiate

It is perfectly normal for teenagers to push against the limits. This is part of them establishing their independence. Laying down the law in an authoritarian way "You will do as I say or else!" is likely to lead to confrontation. Discuss the situation calmly; explain how you feel and why. Ask your teenager for ideas about how you can work it out. Be prepared to give a little, but always stick to your bottom line.

8. Be the adult

When your teenager reacts with anger and frustration, stay calm. If you react emotionally, you will be adding fuel to the fire. Developmentally it is normal for teenagers to challenge adults and push the limits. Acknowledge your child's feelings. But, if they are behaving badly, swearing, breaking things or hurting people - take a deep breath and deal with them in a firm and calm manner. Showing your child how to handle conflict, by staying calm and in control yourself is an essential task for parents.

9. Talk to other parents

It helps to share what you are going through, so open up to other parents or join a support group.

I am starting a group-coaching programme in the spring where you will be able to discuss issues with other parents who are experiencing similar situations. You will learn about the three most successful parenting techniques ever. They will dramatically improve your relationship with your teenager and reduce stress in your home. If you would like to find out more, my contact details are below.

10. If you have frequent problems

It is important that you keep talking. Don't burn any bridges. If your child is frequently withdrawn or you are having regular conflicts, consider consulting a professional parent coach. I have had hundreds of hours experience helping parents deal with the challenges that children can bring. Call me if you would like to chat about how parent coaching can help.

Dr Jenny Leonard is a chartered psychologist and parent coach.

She can be contacted at www.ukparentcoaching.co.uk

12:05pm Monday 17th March 2008

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