When our children become teenagers, they can move from being adorable kids who loved to chat to us and cuddle up on the sofa, to moody, door-slamming adolescents who slouch about, hardly talk to us and lock themselves in their bedroom for hours on end.

It can be like living with a complete stranger! Below we tell you about the 3 biggest mistakes that parents make at this time, and how to avoid them.

These are the 3 biggest mistakes that parents tend to make:
  • They parent their teenagers like they would a younger child
  • They are overly controlling and do too much for their teen
  • They are not firm enough
Styles of Parenting

Parenting styles need to change as our children grow; basically, there are three styles that I see in my clients.

1. Being a nurturer, teacher and guide.

Children between the ages of 0 – 6 need to be nurtured and kept safe. During this time, we teach them how to walk, how to talk and how to feed themselves. We teach them about what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. We teach them about our beliefs and our values and to know right from wrong.

2. Being a manager.

Between the ages of 7 – 11, parents take on the role of being the manager of their children’s lives. We organise their activities and their social life for them.

We remind them to their homework, pack their school lunch and take their PE kit to school.

3. Being a coach.

When our children reach 12 (this may be a little earlier for girls and a little later for boys). We need to make a shift from being our child’s manager to being their coach. This means that instead of managing our child’s life, we walk along side them, supporting them in making their own decisions, helping them to take responsibility and think for themselves. You can start to do this by stepping back and allowing them to take on more responsibility for themselves. Instead of making all their decisions for them, ask questions. For example you might ask: “What do you think you should do about…?” “Do you want any help…?” In this way, you are preparing them for the adult world.

Letting go of control

As our children start to live their own lives, spending more time with their friends, or even rebelling, some parents react to this by clamping down harder and becoming more controlling. If you frequently nag and interrogate your children and try to keep them in when they want to go out, they will either ignore you or resent you. If you tend to be like this, you may want to ask yourself: “Why am I reacting in this way – is it to do with my child, or is it something to do with me?” “Is it to do with my own needs to be nurturing or needed?”

“Am I feeling hurt, shut out or rejected?”

“Do I just miss them being around?”

If so, try telling them. It’s okay to let them know how you feel. Remember that your children still need you, but now that they are older, they need you in a different way. What they need is for you to nurture their independence and show that you believe in them and trust them. At this point, we all need to make a shift in the way that we parent and make peace with our new role.

Doing too much

Do you sometimes feel like a slave and that the kids are treating the house like a hotel? If so, you are probably doing too much for them. Washing, ironing, housework, cooking and other jobs can all be shared between family members. Your teenagers are also capable of taking responsibility for getting themselves up and out in the morning and giving in homework assignments on time. If a parent continues to do everything for their child, the underlying message they are giving their teenager is, I do not trust that you are capable of doing these things for yourself. So the next time you find yourself getting the ironing board out at 9pm at night after a hard day at work, ask yourself if the kids could do more for themselves, if they could, then they probably should!

Being firm

While parents need to give their teenagers more control over their own lives, there are times when we need to say no to our children and mean it. If we tell our kids that we will not tolerate swearing, we can’t just ignore it when it happens. If we ask them to bring dirty clothes down from their bedroom and put them in the laundry basket, we must not do it for them. If we tell them that they must mange on an allowance, it’s not a good idea to bail them out when they spend it all in the first week. If you want your child to respect you, you must mean what you say, and stand firm.

Putting parenting systems into place

The first thing to do here is to get clear about issues that are important to you. Some things might be up for negotiation and others, for example, swearing in front of grandma might not. Decide if you are asking your teenager something or telling them. The next thing to do is to put parenting systems into place so that everyone knows where they stand. With teenagers, start with an agreement around the boundaries, discuss what will happen if the boundaries are broken, and get their agreement. If the agreement is broken, you must enforce the consequence. So for example, if a teenager doesn’t put their clothes in the washing basket, they don’t get washed.

Becoming a leader in your child’s life

There are different ways of leading. We can lead from the front, standing firm about what we say. We can lead from behind, cheering your child on or we can lead from the side, walking next to your child, supporting and encouraging them, being there if you need to step in. As teenagers teeter between wanting to be treated like an adult, and being taken care of like a child, you will need to switch between these roles. In this way we can encourage and support our children on their journey to becoming responsible, independent and confident young adults.

Dr Jenny Leonard is a Chartered Psychologist and UK’s Top Parent and Teen Coach. www.ukparentcoaching.co.uk or call: 01225 864840

How to Prepare for Parenting Teens
  • Put parenting techniques into place early, this will make the teenage years much easier
  • Move from being your child’s manger to being their coach
  • Be flexible in your approach to parenting, switching between roles
  • Be prepared to stand firm
  • Give your child responsibility
  • Seek help and advice early if your relationship with your teen starts to get difficult – the earlier you get help, the easier it is to make improvements