Now they want to teach Britishness in schools. How, pray tell, are they going to manage that? The buzzwords are tolerance and respect, but I’ve got a few more suggestions for the curriculum:

The noble art of queuing

A true Brit should know the simple rules of queuing, these are: 1) if you see one, join one 2) if you don’t see one, make one 3) never push in, you will be glared at, tutted at and ostracised. Make sure the kids can recite them on demand.


Procrastinating

Talking about, writing reports on and voting for things instead of actually doing them is a key part of Britishness. For this exercise, children can be split into groups and given a blank piece of paper and a week to write four lines. First they must all agree on what to write and then they must nominate someone to write it, this could take days.


Political correctness/health and safety

Is someone in their class a snotty-nosed little bully with rank BO and a weight problem? No, he’s a mucous-nostriled, height-impaired, behaviourally-challenged, water-repellent, over-loved young person.

Do the younger kids want to have a doll’s Christmas tea party? Tough. First they need a risk assessment, a disclaimer form in case any dolls spill imaginary tea on themselves and a new banner without the word Christmas in it.
The boys must be encouraged to play with the dolls as much as the girls, whether they want to or not. If any of the boys like playing with the dolls more than the girls do, then this should also be encouraged. There must be a doll representing all genders (male, female and transsexual), ages and races.


Talking about the weather

Studying the weather can be done as part of geography lesson and should revolve around three key issues: 1) Why won’t it stop raining? 2) It’s too ******** hot! I can’t wait for winter. 3) It’s too ******** cold! I can’t wait for summer.

As part of this module, students can also take part in a special project entitled “Why all transport goes to pot if it’s too hot/cold/windy/foggy/wet” looking at airports, trains and road conditions.

How to be American

For extra credit, kids can learn how to be more like Americans. Modules begin with It’s not my fault, an in-depth look at American blame culture and how it is becoming part of Britishness.

Sample essay titles include “I ate all the burgers and now I’m fat. Why, McDonalds, why?”
“I smoked all my life and now my lungs are angry, but not as irate as I am at the tobacco companies who have been secretly killing me” and “They started it”; why American foreign policy is right and the world is wrong.